Some Things Just Hurt

For along time I have struggled with problems such as depression and anxiety. I have had moments where I couldn't breathe and my body shook uncontrobly from an attack. Or times when I called in sick to work because I couldn't get the strength to crawl out of bed. I felt worthless and a definite feeling on emptiness. I felt alone in a world full of people who didn't understand. I was on medications and even seeing a therapist. But that wasn't until everything went out of control. In my last post, I talked about how I had issues with my health. Mentally it was just uncontrollable. There was many reason for my feelings. Many of which i couldn't quite comprehend. Why did I feel this way? Why did I deserve this? Its just in my head, I can pull through. And in the end I eventually would. I used self harm as a release. I cut my hips and thighs. I did this so that people wouldn't know that i was doing it. I loved to feel the pain. It felt good to be in control of something in my life. I used to explain to my doctors that it was my way of coping with the pain I couldn't change. That when you have a physical wound you just put a band aid and some ointment on it and it heals right up. I tried to explain that my mental pain was the same way. If I made what I was feeling physical eventually it would heal. After awhile, my cutting got too extreme and i broke down. I told my father who was devastated. The look on his face was one I will never forget. I can't describe how it was. Maybe he was in pain? I cried that night to him and told him I had been doing it for awhile. That I was tired of hurting people so I hurt myself. He immediately got me into to a therapist after that. She helped me so much. She made me realized that cutting wasn't a good release, but yet I still did it. when people say that its addicting, they aren't lying. You think about it all the time, no matter what you were doing. You were planning on when and where you were going to do it again. I started to cut in more places where it showed. I have scars on my knows and wrists. I want you to understand that I didn't not do this to end my life. I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to be in pain anymore. Anything and everything could set me off. A fight with a friends. When my parents were irritated at me. It was just my release. It became normal to me and my parents didn't agree with that. My dad began getting angry with me when I did it. My walls went up. If he couldn't support me then who could. i continued to see the therapist who helped me for awhile, but it wasn't enough. I needed to make a change. When my personality drastically changed and my attitude wasn't as it was I started to push people away. I didn't want to be around anyone. I didn't want to see the disappoint on my dads face. And i knew he didn't want to be around me when I was out of control. He once told me that he wished he could have his little girl back. that this person I was wasn't the daughter he remembered. That scarred me deeply. And it resounded in my thoughts all the time. One day while listening to the radio, I heard an add talking about helping people with depression. I immediately got ahold of them and they made an appointment to see me. I drove to Salt Lake and they cautioned me that they needed to speak to me about things that may initially make me very upset. I was all for it and began the session. I opened up to them more then anyone in my life. They sat back and listened. No judgement, just understanding. I told the doctor about what my dad said. That i wasn't the little girl he remembered. At that moment the doctor looked at me and said that he knew she was still in there. I was still her. I was just tired of being hurt and alone and she was scared. to this day i believe she's still there. I am her. I haven't cut myself in a long while and continue to take my antidepressants for my other problems. I am happy. I don't feel scared or afraid of alone. For once in along time I feel like myself. Some things in our life just hurt. You just have to stay strong and push through the pain.

All Because Two People Met

I think from the moment I started dating, Id always end up with someone in the military. I didn't know which branch, hell I didn't know there were so many, but I knew it would be someone who dedicated their life to their country. A lot of people would have said its because I was a "tag chaser" meaning that I dated military men for more reasons then to just find someone to be with. Which wasn't true at all. I didn't know the benefits that were offered to military spouses. I didn't know about Tricare or the non-taxed food stores. I was oblivious. I just wanted to find someone to call my own no matter who they belonged to (military wise). I grew up in Ogden Utah, and as many know that is located about 15 minutes from an Air Force Base. It was just inevitable that I would end up dating them. I would post my dating profile on Plenty of Fish, and Meetme and then I would meet up with them. Some of them were very nice and caring. I dated a few including a PMO (military cop) and sometimes just have flings when it was never official. That drove me crazy, but hey it is what it is right. I dated a national guardsmen, a few air force dudes, and a couple of Marines, never the Navy. And of course a few "civilians" though most of them had ambitions to be more then just that. They also wanted to join a Branch in the Service. But through all the heartbreak, annoying flings, and crazy idea at love, who would've thought that I would've ended up with my High School sweetheart and of course a United States Marine. When we dated in high school, I knew there was a connection. He was my first boyfriend of course so it was bound to happen. There was just something about him. A charisma that I couldn't shake. He was beautiful. Tan skin, dark hair and of course the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. Ever since we first met he was determined to be a Marine. I even went to the recruiting office with him a few times (they almost convinced me to join...) and even from that point I fully supported him. I didn't quite understand what he would be giving up to be in the service but my heart was there for him from the beginning. During our senior year (which was when we were together) we dated on and off. He was a "player" I might add, and was more into having fun then to have a serious relationship. So of course, he broke it off. I was heartbroken. I knew we had a connection but after awhile I just chalked it up to first time romance. How could I blame him for wanting to explore his options and have fun. We weren't exactly the same. He partied, I went to church. We were just complete opposites. Never in my life would I have imagined getting back together with him. From high school, I was very bitter towards everyone and everything, including him. He broke my heart, who could blame me. Its crazy though a heart may be broken it still continues to beat and I had to move on. I just took my hatred with me. I began to question life. while i was with him i suffered from multiple issues. Anxiety, depression and what doctors called "borderline bulimia" I lost so much weight it was scary. I didn't blame any of that on him. I explained to the doctors that at that point in my life, my mental stability was like a castle of cards. Fragile. And when he broke up with me that was the wind that blew it over. I was already having problems with my parents. They believed that I was acting out. In some instances (such as the weightless) to impress him. I couldn't control it. I didn't stick my fingers down my throat, i would just binge and barf. I didn't cut my thighs for attention, if thats what I wanted I would've done it somewhere the world could witness. If you asked them it was all in my head. All for attention. I was down pretending and built a wall to protect myself from being hurt anymore. Which made my personality dramatically changed. After I got back on my feet, about a year after high school, I changed my perspective on life. My personality didn't change back to how it was, but my attitude changed. I wasn't afraid to tell someone when they hurt me. I wasn't afraid to be myself. I basically gave the world my middle finger and decided to make myself happy. That everything would be better if I was in charge of my life. I lived with my mom, who supported me with everything. She and my sister understood me better than anyone else in the world and they supported me no matter what. I dated around (of course the military boys) and fell out of a few relationships. I didn't love them. I was just afraid to be alone. From that point I began forgiving people and things in my life that I couldn't change. I forgave people who hurt me and apologized to those I hurt. I began to mentally feel better and that was a huge improvement in my life. One night out of shear curioustiy, I found him on Facebook. I obviously had deleted him so I had to find him again. I wanted to see what he had been doing with his life. He was still wanting to be a Marine and I was impressed. I never stuck with something that long. I talked myself into sending him a message. I don't remember exactly what it said. I just know it consisted of apologies and forgiving. To my surprise he messaged me back. He had a girlfriend at the time and I had no interest in him. It was just good to have a friend. We hung out a few times. Talked about things going on in our lives. I dealt with the crazy girlfriend on a daily basis, it was whatever to me. He was a big boy he could make his own decisions on who he wanted to talk too. Then he left. Went off to bootcamp and I came to terms that I probably would never talk to him again in my life. I was okay with that. He had his life and I had mine. Three months later while I was hanging out with a boy I got a text message. It was a mass text and it was from him saying that he was back on leave and he wanted some people to kick it with. I instantly messaged him. We hung out a lot and talked a lot. He was no longer with the girlfriend, she ruined that all on her own. I didn't think that I had any interest in him. But life is full of surprises. We went to Salt Lake, we hung out and watched movies. I was able to be myself and I lightened up when I saw him. When he was still home from boot leave, I was hanging out with this dude (different one) when I got a message from him. He said he was confused about his feelings. That he didn't know what to do about it. I excused myself from where I was and went to call him. He refused to answer but continued to text me. I felt the butterflies in my stomach and thats when I realized that those were the feelings stirring up again. He was no longer a boy. He was a man. He had changed in those three months more than any other boy could change in his whole life. And i just wanted hear what he had to say. I decided to go hang out with his sister and left the boy I was with empty handed. I drove through a rainstorm and he met me there. We sat in my car and I pressed him. He just kept repeating that he had feelings for someone but wouldn't tell me who. Until finally I broke him and you blurted out "you." I was speechless and let out this horrific giggle. Instantly I was crazy about him again. We talked the rest of the night and hung out the next day. I asked him if we were together, and he responded with "if you wanted to be." The rest of his leave we hung out. We went on dates, partied with his sister. I spent the night with him. When he kissed my forehead I lost myself. Right before he left, I blurted out that I loved him. (Subtle I know). But when you know you love someone, why wait? He smiled and kissed me on the forehead. And that is a moment I will never forget. Then he left. The Marine Corps was calling. When he came home later, I got the ring of my dreams and the promise of forever. And now here I am. In sunny California with the man that I love. He's my best friend in the world and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. He is my life, my love and my only. I just feel that our story is different from anyone else's. I love him now and I know I will love him for all of time.