Some Things Just Hurt

For along time I have struggled with problems such as depression and anxiety. I have had moments where I couldn't breathe and my body shook uncontrobly from an attack. Or times when I called in sick to work because I couldn't get the strength to crawl out of bed. I felt worthless and a definite feeling on emptiness. I felt alone in a world full of people who didn't understand. I was on medications and even seeing a therapist. But that wasn't until everything went out of control. In my last post, I talked about how I had issues with my health. Mentally it was just uncontrollable. There was many reason for my feelings. Many of which i couldn't quite comprehend. Why did I feel this way? Why did I deserve this? Its just in my head, I can pull through. And in the end I eventually would. I used self harm as a release. I cut my hips and thighs. I did this so that people wouldn't know that i was doing it. I loved to feel the pain. It felt good to be in control of something in my life. I used to explain to my doctors that it was my way of coping with the pain I couldn't change. That when you have a physical wound you just put a band aid and some ointment on it and it heals right up. I tried to explain that my mental pain was the same way. If I made what I was feeling physical eventually it would heal. After awhile, my cutting got too extreme and i broke down. I told my father who was devastated. The look on his face was one I will never forget. I can't describe how it was. Maybe he was in pain? I cried that night to him and told him I had been doing it for awhile. That I was tired of hurting people so I hurt myself. He immediately got me into to a therapist after that. She helped me so much. She made me realized that cutting wasn't a good release, but yet I still did it. when people say that its addicting, they aren't lying. You think about it all the time, no matter what you were doing. You were planning on when and where you were going to do it again. I started to cut in more places where it showed. I have scars on my knows and wrists. I want you to understand that I didn't not do this to end my life. I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to be in pain anymore. Anything and everything could set me off. A fight with a friends. When my parents were irritated at me. It was just my release. It became normal to me and my parents didn't agree with that. My dad began getting angry with me when I did it. My walls went up. If he couldn't support me then who could. i continued to see the therapist who helped me for awhile, but it wasn't enough. I needed to make a change. When my personality drastically changed and my attitude wasn't as it was I started to push people away. I didn't want to be around anyone. I didn't want to see the disappoint on my dads face. And i knew he didn't want to be around me when I was out of control. He once told me that he wished he could have his little girl back. that this person I was wasn't the daughter he remembered. That scarred me deeply. And it resounded in my thoughts all the time. One day while listening to the radio, I heard an add talking about helping people with depression. I immediately got ahold of them and they made an appointment to see me. I drove to Salt Lake and they cautioned me that they needed to speak to me about things that may initially make me very upset. I was all for it and began the session. I opened up to them more then anyone in my life. They sat back and listened. No judgement, just understanding. I told the doctor about what my dad said. That i wasn't the little girl he remembered. At that moment the doctor looked at me and said that he knew she was still in there. I was still her. I was just tired of being hurt and alone and she was scared. to this day i believe she's still there. I am her. I haven't cut myself in a long while and continue to take my antidepressants for my other problems. I am happy. I don't feel scared or afraid of alone. For once in along time I feel like myself. Some things in our life just hurt. You just have to stay strong and push through the pain.